pretentiousfuckwits...

...or how I learned to stop worrying and love the troll.
Mar 01
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I Wrote Haikus About Cannibalism - 8 Song Demo

[No album art.]

Unsigned, No Release Date

I Wrote Haikus About Cannibalism are a bit of an enigma. Little is known about them, except that they hail from Antioch, California, and they are a four-piece. Their only known recordings are collected on the unofficially-titled 8 Song Demo, a simply stunning collection of screamo mini-masterpieces taken from their myspace page. Now, this is not your typical Hot Topic-core band; this is not My Chemical Romance; this is legitimate emo music. However, Haikus stray away from the formulaic, vapid garbage that makes up the majority of their genre. They take screamo songs, and sort of tint them through a jazz-and-ambient filter. Instead of simple power chords or double-bass drum blasts, I Wrote Haikus About Cannibalism opt to use unusual jazz chords and short ambient segues. This is especially apparent in Untitled 4; beginning with what may be the greatest ten seconds of music ever, three simply stunning chords, and followed by a wall of hardcore for perhaps twenty seconds. Then enters a sparse, perhaps minimalist section using those beautiful chords, which in turn transitions into a sort of bridge section. All this happens in two minutes exactly, and they are two incredible minutes indeed. These are not long songs by any means; the longest, Untitled 8, is a mere 2:54, the shortest (Untitled 2) is 1:09. The entire demo/EP is probably under 20 minutes. Overall, this is a unique and wonderful piece of screamo-jazz goodness.     8.5/10

Review by Jake

Track List:

1. Untitled 1 (2:53)
2. Untitled 2 (1:09)
3. Untitled 3 (1:45)
4. Untitled 4 (2:00)
5. Untitled 5 (1:57)
6. Untitled 6 (2:40)
7. Untitled 7 (2:05)
8. Untitled 8 (2:54)

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Feb 03
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Botch - We Are the Romans

Hydra Head Records, 1999

A while back, I was walking along a beach. It was late evening, and the sun was setting, casting a violet shade on the dusky sky. The sights and smells were amazing, the salty sea-air, the seagulls calling out their nonsense message to any creature that could hear them.

But then…

Then I felt the stinging. Not just one sting, thousands of stings. Working their way up… working… Oh God. It was fire ants! And they were anally raping me! Thousands of fire ants had entered my anus and were biting away, spraying their acid-venom-spit into my freshly chewed-on colon! AND THEY WERE DOING IT IN 6/8 TIME.

But after a split second, I realized something. I loved it. I had never felt pleasure like this in my life, sexual or otherwise. This didn’t even come close to the time that Susie from my D&D group gave me sloppy head in her downstairs bathroom. This was euphoria.

This album is exactly like that. 57.8 out of 42.6

Review by Pitchfork Luke

Track List:

1. To Our Friends In The Great White North
2. Mondrian Was A Liar
3. Transitions From Persona To Object
4. Swimming The Channel vs. Driving The Chunnel
5. C. Thomas Howell As The “Soul Man”
6. Saint Matthew Returns To The Womb
7. Frequency Ass Bandit
8. I Wanna Be A Sex Symbol On My Own Terms
9. Man The Ramparts
10. Thank God For Worker Bees – Remix

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